I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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