Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm really busy with my period
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