I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
