your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
