I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
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hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
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I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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