masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
