my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
