I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It was confusing and full of hummus
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
