I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
