Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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