Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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