Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
