Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
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I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize