I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
