the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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