A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
