I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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