All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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