your parents love me but you hate me
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
