My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
