There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
