Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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