I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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