my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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