Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
