drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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