Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
