Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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