my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
