I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
