you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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