Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
