I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
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Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
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My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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