Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
