at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
