my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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