i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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