How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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