kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
