I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
