I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
