U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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