I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
only you would photoshop your dick
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
