im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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