I faked an abortion last night.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
