Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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