theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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