I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
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