I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We're too hungover to prance.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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