How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
