I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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