I feel like abortions should bother me more
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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