You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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