The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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