I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
