just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
