he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
