my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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